Don't forget to remember

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WARNING: sexual violence

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Waking up

Himari looked at the blood covering her hands. She wasn’t so much surprised that it snaked and dripped down her arm, as she was confused about why she wasn’t doing anything about it.

She felt something touch her leg and looked down to see that a pool of more blood crawling across the white tiles had reached her skin where she knelt. She put her palms on the floor beside her knees as though she were about to stand, but paused instead to draw a long breath.

In the distance, police sirens wailed. A blunt warning that they were drawing close.

Himari couldn’t understand why she wasn’t moving. She was far from new to scenes such as these or to death at her hands. So why did she feel like her head was stuffed with cotton? She forced her eyes to move, to see the legs of the person in front her, the dark hair against his olive skin, the hand lying limp and lifeless.

Tyres screeched. The law had arrived. Thirty more seconds and it would be too late, she estimated.

As though she had a great weight on her shoulders making every movement an effort, Himari pushed herself to her feet. She stumbled stiffly as she took a step back and looked up.

Blood. All over the walls. All over the shitty shower curtain and towel he must have pulled to the floor in the struggle. Curious, she thought, I’m not normally so dramatic.

Footsteps clamoured up to the house. Officers began banging loudly on the front door and shouting incoherently. She assumed they were saying something about how they were going to come in. But given that she would normally be long gone by the time police arrived at a scene like this, she actually had little idea what would happen next.

The knife slipped out of her fingers, and the clatter as it hit the tiled floor was muffled by the sounds of the front door smashing open. She hadn’t even noticed that she was holding it.

She could hear the police as they stormed through the house, calling out to each other from different rooms. She slowly turned around and faced two officers in the bathroom doorway. As they edged closer and handcuffed her, guns trained carefully on her face, Himari distantly thought that she hadn’t needed experience to know what would happen next, after all. It was pretty predictable that they would arrest a woman covered in blood standing over a dead body.

48 hours earlier and living the dream

Himari watched her target on the dance floor. As though possessed with the rapture of a thumping god, he closed his eyes and tilted his head back, soaking in the pumping music, the people flowing all around him and the drugs coursing through his body. He opened his eyes and smiled when he saw her watching, gesturing for her to come closer. The club lights made his dark skin appear smooth and glisten with life.

She put her drink down and moved in closer, weaving through the pulsing bodies without taking her eyes off him. She pressed her hips against his and, with one palm on his chest, moved his body with hers, making them sway together in time with the pounding of the music. Her hands entwined in his, she reached her arms above her head so that he could run his fingers down her arms. He paused at her face to carefully brush strands aside from her electric blue bob. He continued on, tracing the length of her torso with his fingertips and bringing his hands to rest on her waist. He moaned softly, heard by no-one over the wall of sound and dancing bodies.

Himari brushed her nose and leaned in close to his ear. “I need some more.”

He looked into her eyes and smiled with a small wink. Grasping her hand, he led her away from the throng, up the stairs and towards the rooftop. Himari gasped when he opened the door and let the fresh, cool night air in. She stepped out and danced over to the edge, leaning over the railing and looking over the city scape. For a moment she lost herself in the scene. She loved this city and the view from the top of the modest thirty-story building was breathtaking. She could see the tops of some smaller buildings below – pollution stains, exhaust pumping out and ugly air-conditioning units belying the beautiful architectural facades visible only from street level. It was the perfect metaphor for such a magnificent city and everyone in it.

“Here, take it.” Himari’s target said bringing her back to her mission. He had barely noticed the vista. Instead, he was carefully holding a line of powder for Himari to consume.

“Gorgeous!” She snorted it up without hesitation. “Where did that come from?” She asked, tidying up any stray bits of powder from her nose.

“Plenty more, don’t you worry.” He said, patting his left pocket with another wink.

“Perfect.” She said, as though that were all she needed to know. “Now come here and kiss me.”

He eagerly obliged, walking straight into her knife. She deftly drew the blade up his body in a way that avoided blood getting on her outfit. As he began to fall forward, she stepped to the side, pulled the knife out and then thrust in and out again, this time to cut his throat.

He landed on the ground, wide-eyed shock frozen across his face.

Himari wiped her blade, secreted it back into her thigh-high boot, then pulled out a cigarette and went back to soak in the view with her freshly coked-up eyes. She couldn’t get enough of her city, especially at night. She could hear the muffled thumping of the club beneath her and the distant sounds of people on the streets below, chatting and yelling to each other as people tend to do in the very early hours of a Saturday morning. Every one of them caught up in their small, beautiful, oblivious lives.

She sighed and turned back, noticing how the neon lights of a nearby billboard made her target’s face look sickly pale one moment, then vivid red the next. She returned to the body, checking to make sure he was dead – she was nothing if not thorough – then grabbed the stash of coke from his pocket. No reason to let that fall into the hands of the cops or otherwise go to waste.

Cigarette hanging from the corner of her mouth, Himari sent a brief “IT’S DONE” message on her phone. She had no idea what this guy had done that was so offensive, but his death would earn her a handsome reward.

Before she could put her phone away, it began to ring. Instead of answering, however, she stared at her brother-in-law’s name on the screen until it rang out. “Not just now.” She said aloud.

It wasn’t until he rang for the fifth time and she was safely at home that she finally answered.

“Charlie? Sorry, what’s happening?” She pressed the phone between her shoulder and ear so that she could take off her boots. She loved how they made her feel, but comfortable they were not.

“Himari? Thank goodness. Listen, I’m sorry to call so late and out of nowhere like this…” He paused. “Um, how are you?” He finished awkwardly.

Himari put the phone on speaker and placed it on the bathroom basin. “I’m fine… but it sounds like something is up? What’s going on, is Yui okay?” She carefully pulled the blue wig and cap off her head and placed them on a stand nearby, then began vigorously rubbing her black hair loose. This was such a liberating feeling, one of her favourite pleasures.

“She’s… she’s not okay. You need to come home.”

Himari paused. This had been coming for some time, but she was still unprepared. “…Now?”

“Doctors say, yeah.” His voice broke a little. “Best to come as soon as you can.”

“I’ll be there first thing tomorrow.” Himari looked down at the smiling avatar on her screen’s phone of Charlie and Yui hugging each other. “We’ll get through this.” Her voice was soft.

Edging closer to reality

Himari was handcuffed to a metal table bolted to the floor in the middle of a policy station, and the arresting officers were talking some nonsense around her. She wasn’t bothered that they sounded muffled and inaudible to her dumb ears. She didn’t really care what they had to say.

One of them shoved an evidence bag with packets of drugs under her nose. That got her attention. If she could just somehow get inside the evidence bag and eat whatever she could wrap her tongue around…

Another officer slapped his hand on the table, snapping her out of her fantasy. “Just tell us what happened.” He was clearly exasperated at Himari’s silence.

The first officer pushed one of the photos closer under her face. Himari’s gaze slid away from the photo. She couldn’t bring the face into focus, the pictures all looked blurry to her. “Is he…” She started quietly, her voice croaking a little from not having been used for several hours. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably, but nothing was going to change the fact that she was trapped.

“…Dead?” The second police officer finished her question. “Jesus, what do you think?”

That’s not actually an answer, Himari thought dryly.

24 hours earlier, as dreams began to fade

Himari stepped off the train and immediately saw Charlie waving her over.

“Why didn’t you get someone else to come and pick me up?!” Himari said when she reached him. “Or I could easily have just got a cab?”

“Honestly, I needed the excuse to get out of there. Everyone is at home and your family is bloody huge. I just wanted a break.”

Himari gave Charlie a long hug.

They were quiet in the car on the way home. Not much to say, really. Everyone knew Yui’s cancer would win one of these days, it was just a matter of time. Himari looked out the window and saw her childhood school go past, tiny now in the real-life world of adulthood compared to her hazy memories. She hated being in this town. She didn’t begrudge her family for staying, but she couldn’t stand it. Whenever she came back, she felt stifled and stagnant. She just didn’t feel like herself when she was home.

“How are mum and dad coping?” She asked.

Charlie looked at her pointedly, eyebrow raised, before responding. “You haven’t spoken to them still?”

She didn’t answer.

“I mean, they’re doing the best they can, I guess.” He turned into the street he and Yui lived on and Himari noted all the cars parked on the manicured grass. Such a car-reliant place. “I suppose it helps that they have the rest of the family around to help. Like your mother’s parents, and your uncle and his wife – they are all here.”

Himari’s jaw set. She had been avoiding thinking about who in the family would be there.

Himari did what she could to get through the next ten minutes of awkward hugs and saying hello to the various people in the house. Even though she had toned down her appearance, she still felt over-dressed in this place. Everyone was wearing things like sneakers and colourful, practical clothes, while she was in low-heeled boots, fashionable black jeans and a slick leather jacket.

People politely asked how Himari had been, but no-one appeared to take an interest in what she had to say. She had grown accustomed to these empty conversations, long ago learning that they didn’t require any investment on her part to genuinely engage. It was like her family knew what they should ask, but didn’t actually know why. Conversation quickly turned to discussions about how terribly sick Yui was and how important it was for family to be around at times like this. Thinly veiled digs at Himari’s absence which prompted mumbled excuses from her about why she hadn’t visited for so long.

It felt like an age of platitudes and shaming had passed before Himari was finally able to extricate herself. She raced up the stairs to see Yui – or perhaps ran away from the all-too-suburban scene behind her.

Yui, the only thing in this place that she truly loved. She was lying propped up in bed with her eyes closed. Himari quietly sat in the chair next to her and softly touched her arm.

Yui’s eyes opened a little, then widened when she saw her sister. “Himi!”

“Hey, sis.” Himari leaned in and they hugged for a long time. “You look like shit…”

“It’s been a while.” Yui smiled.

“I think the last time we saw each other, we were doing lines off that stripper’s abs, right?”

Yui laughed weakly. “Oh my god, yes! I forgot about that. Jesus, you are a terrible influence, you know that?”

“I toned it down sometimes for you, give me some credit. We didn’t always have wild times when you came to visit.” They both paused, silently noticing Himari’s use of past tense. Those days were behind them.

“Listen.” Yui said, soberly. “I need to say something. I’ve been meaning to say it for forever and I can’t let it go on any longer.”

“Um, okay, but you really don’t –”

“No, I really do.” Yui said firmly. “I know why you moved to the city as soon as you could, why you have this life of drugs and parties.”

“I mean, it’s pretty fun, obviously. And this place is a shithole.”

Yui didn’t respond to Himari’s attempt to deflect with humour and got straight to the point. “I know what Haru did to you.” Himari stiffened at hearing their uncle’s name. “I know what he did, because he did it to me, too.

Himari stopped breathing. Her body became hard and the edges of her vision closed in.

“I’m sorry, Himi, I should have told you… I just felt so ashamed. You had hinted to me what was going on and I didn’t want to believe you, he was just so nice, but then he came to me, and… And I didn’t want you to be angry with me.” Her voice broke and tears welled in her eyes.

Himari was cold. She stared at Yui wide-eyed, her rage frozen in place all over her body as the revelation sunk in. She couldn’t move. Yui placed her hand on Himari’s, shattering the spell of anger and sparking her vision to blur with emotion. Himari took a breath, not realising she had been holding it, and looked down at their hands clasped together. As her tears fell on their hands, she wiped them away. Slowly, her brain began to move again. “Yui…” She whispered, looking up. “Yui, you have nothing to apologise for. Yui… How could I be angry with you?”

Yui squeezed her eyes shut. She looked exhausted and relieved all at once. “I just… I’m so sorry. I’m sorry it happened.” She sobbed a little.

“Thank you for telling me. I can’t believe you have been carrying this this whole time.” Himari hugged her sister again. “Do you want to tell me about it?” She plucked a tissue from a nearby box and wiped Yui’s tears.

“I wrote a statement.” She said, looking past Himari at her dresser. “Charlie helped me.” Yui burst into tears.

“He’s a keeper, I’ve always said it.” Himari said, a small smile spreading across her lips as she patiently caressed her sister’s arm.

“He is.” Yui managed after a moment, sniffing and blowing her nose. “Let’s talk about him and anything else? They say I don’t have long left, you know. So obviously I would rather talk about the men you’ve been seeing and everything new in your life. Nothing serious!” She smiled weakly and sank back into the pillows.

Himari squeezed her hand.

What goes around, comes around

The police were looming over her, making all kinds of threats to get her to spill. One of them warned that if she didn’t say something, they would give her the maximum penalty for murder. The other one explained that they just needed to understand so that they could help her. But when she continued to stare mutely across the room, the first officer menaced that they could also make sure that she went to an insane asylum, and then she would never be released.

None of it mattered to Himari. Her mind was finally coming into focus. She looked down at the crime scene photos spread out in front of her and recognised Haru’s dead face.

She had left this town all those years ago as soon as she could, and suppressed her memories of the place and everything that had happened in it with drugs. It had turned out that her misplaced need for vengeance made her an excellent assassin. In a dense city where everyone is forced into each other’s spaces, people are bound to make enemies. And Himari’s ability to solve those disputes and adapt to the loose morals needed for the killing business meant she had been able to fit right in. She had found her place and thrived on the intensity of urban life.

But looking at the photo of Haru’s body contorted and bloody on his bathroom floor, Himari knew that the last years had all been a distraction. The drugs, music, people and violence.

Haru had raped her when she was just a girl. Repeatedly and brutally.

Haru had raped Yui.

Himari had told their father all those years ago as a girl, but he had refused to believe her, and had become enraged when she pressed the issue. She should have been able to trust her father to protect her. She should have been able to trust Haru not to hurt her. And she should have been able to believe Haru when he promised her that he wouldn’t ‘love’ anyone else.

Killing Haru had been the greatest joy in her life. She had supressed so much, but when she had been standing in front him, his smell had brought back memories of tears and pain. His voice had brought back feelings of shame and disgust. She had forgotten so much, but it all came back. Knowing that Yui had experienced the same pain had unlocked a rage in her that she hadn’t known she was capable of feeling, let alone expressing. It was as though the years she had spent away had all been so that she could hone the art of murder for this one purpose.

Himari laughed a little, prompting both of the police officers to stop and stare at her.

Haru’s death had not been quick and clean like the nightclub guy a couple of nights previously. Oh, no. She had cut up the palms of the hands that Haru had used to grope her. The hands that had pried her open and held her down. She had cut him inside so that he knew how it had felt when he had forced himself into her. She had sliced his cock all over so that he knew he would never use it again.

And that had just been the beginning.

“Are you quite finished?” One of the officers asked, confused by her sudden change in demeanour.

Himari smiled. “Yeah, I’m done.”